Saturday, April 27, 2013

Next, and the things we forget...

Lauren's Voice from La-D-Da.
On what I think is ivory 28 count one over one.
Treat Your Self Well - seemed like something I should be stitching.

I am going to wrap up the 35 year old romance story from last time.
I really did not understand why I always felt so confused around him.  Both now and 20 years ago.  I became very confused if it was all just a line of ****, (insert whatever word you would like).
I knew there was some connection to us as kids - and now, and he was nice enough to just try to talk it thru with me.  Part of me is just fine around him - part of me is a 16 year old girl.
Funny as adult women the things we have forgotten.
I suspected as kids - we had something unique.  I'd kissed a few boys, he was still very early in his parade of girls.  I needed to make a strong connection, but not break my heart or his.  And put him back out there to kiss a few other girls.  Apparently I was thinking - catch and release - for him.  Then find him again when he is legal size, and finally get to figure out us.  I am sure I had not clue if it would work.  So I would watch from the sidelines.  He went went through the teenage boy in the country with motorized toys stage - with his buddies.  That would not be a safe time for me to be around him, his buddies and him could have tossed me like a bale of hay.  So I waited.  Even teenage reckless boys calm down a little at some point.  Let him toss some other girl into the lake and explode stuff around her.  I'll just wait over here, I'll see other boys, looking for that same connection.
I remember going to find him one night - but suddenly not knowing where to look.  We would have both been out of school.  A telephone call asking his mom I am sure would have done it, but I had to wonder if he would even remember me, even just a year or so out of school.
After getting pulled into an unhealthy relationship with another man, the young woman in me was no longer smart enough to just get out of the bad relationship.  I am sure I no longer even felt he was a possible option to ever work out.  The adult side of me had let him go, and washed away everything about him, except that math class together that was buried so deep in my heart.  That 16 year old girl had not given up.  She is still inside of me waiting to see him again.
So when he showed up at my job, my adult side is thinking - nice to see you, why do you always remember me so fondly?.  That girl is thinking she finally found him again.  She is taking over and hugging him.  He is saying, whatever happened to us?, I came back to find you and you were just gone?  where were you?
The adult me said is thinking What? - meanwhile that girl side is just SO excited - he remembers, he came back.
All that made me feel like a train wreck.  I no longer remembered that I had tried to just stay away from him for basically 2-3 years.  But that girl in me was still watching from the sidelines.  I am sure he never knew that - I am sure I didn't know if we had really had a strong enough connection.

I had to laugh on some level.  No wonder sometimes I can't lose weight - I have and extra 16 year old girl inside me.  I had no idea she was even there.  Just like I hadn't really known that he still had a piece of my heart.  How could I ever have given away a piece of my heart and not remembered?

So when he pops up now again - and I have anxiety before seeing him again - wondering if again 20 years later if he will remember me.  That girl is still in panic over if there is or is not that connection.  And it is not a sexual or chemical connection, it is something else.
So when he says again - whatever happened to us?  where did you go?  I couldn't find you.  The girl swoons, and I become totally puzzled why I am feeling all this confusion.

Because she definitely still is waiting for him, and if she has waiting with both me knowing and not knowing for what I know is 38 years, I really doubt she is going away.  I wondered if she was just the keeper of all old boyfriends, but somehow I suspect she is just for him.
But my physical reactions are really comical, so I know it is real, and it all makes complete sense.
When I am either around him or talking to him on the phone.
My mouth goes completely dry.  ( this has never happened to me ever )
Talking to him on the phone, my voice cracks, and I become breathless, and I cannot seem to get the words out of me fast enough.  (of course - she keeps having to wait 20 years to see him again. She is trying to tell him lots of things - and trying to figure out what he remembers - does he remember - did he feel the connection )
She is sort of mad, she still can't connect because he is still married to somebody else.  ( actually she is telling him, timing is everything...  so again, I don't think she has given up. )
So imagine him telling her all the things he really liked about her then?  She HAD to be completely enraptured.  (Meanwhile I am trying to understand what that connection I am both feeling and not feeling.)
And I also know if I stand too close to him - I can't focus.  My thoughts can't keep up in the conversation ( that's the girl just trying to be closer to him - the adult me thinking what the **** is that all about?)

And if I as the adult need to talk to him about selling the house, he and I are fine, and it is like she understands and waits quietly.  But if I am standing too close to him trying to talk to him about roofing or something else - it is too much for her.  As long as he is far enough away - all is normal.

It is odd, it feels odd.  But since I know one of the rules for her is also - never hurt *******, then I don't think that there should be a problem.  To keep him around me, he has to sell the house eventually.  If he is around at all, she should be very happy, but we have to get past the crazy happiness she felt in finally finding him again after 20 more years.  If she can't shut up, he has to go, because I can't function.
And that is really weird to say when I know whatever that is, is still me.  I am not two separate things.
But it is sure easier to sort out if I treat it like we are two separate things.
I am still trying to wrap my head around this. 

Strange physical reactions to men have happened to me before.  I find it really interesting on some level.  I never see it coming.  Some man kissed me and I felt like my socks are melting.  Married that one.  Would not have expected that from him - physically he would have never been my type, nor I his I am sure.  We divorced later.  You can't marry a man that is an idiot, just because he melts your socks.  Then I had to wonder if there was more sock melting kissers out there.  But - there are more - found another one - so it was really nice to know more of them were out there.
I worked with a guy at a temp job - when I would stand next to him, I felt like I was being pulled to him like a magnet.  I experimented a few days - standing this side of him, and that side of him.  How close did I need to get to feel it.  He was like an odd science experiment.  I had worked with men for 30 years and never felt that before.  I finally looked at him one day and said - okay, what the **** is that???  Do you do that to every woman, or is that something just between you and I - cause if you could bottle whatever that is - or teach that to other men, you'd be rich.  And he asked me what I was feeling with a smile on his face -  and I told him, he obviously already knew what I was going to say.  He said some women feel it, others don't.  I am asking him if he can tell which women would feel it, how long he has been able to do it - because he was nearly 50 years old at that point.  How much he could control it.  At one point - I asked him to stand close to me, with it off and it was like standing next to any man at the store - no spark, nothing.   He walked away, and came back closer to me with it on so I would feel that magnetic pull to him, and he did it - you just wanted to stand so close to him that you were inside of him.  Never met another man that could do that either.  He was not fabulously handsome or built - the magnetic feel felt sexual if I remember it right, it was a few years ago.  He was a straight guy with a terrible crush on his lesbian friend, it was never going to end well for him - I had to wonder on some level if she could feel that same pull or not.  Like I said - he was just really interesting.   
So finding I have a 16 year old girl living inside me - a total surprise.  But just another thing to add to the odd things that have happened.  At least I was able to figure out why I always felt so confused around him, and it really all makes sense now.

Again - nothing changes - he is still married to somebody else - the girl will wait inside me I am sure.  I know his connection is actually not to me, but to her, and I know yet that I am her.
So I feel a little like the outsider.  I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  It answers why I am experiencing teenage angst again.  She really loved him, and therefore I must have really loved him.
Makes me wonder if the right boy from our past showed up, would we all as women experience this?
____
And on a completely different note - I started to diet again - I never talk about that here.  Started before dealing with all this other goofy mixed confusion - but I am sure keeping me totally confused and full of anxiety has helped increase my metabolism.  I lost 21 pounds in 19 days, without exercise.  It is not an ad for anything -but women that have dieted know how hard that is, and how finding the point your body will do a pound a day is a run that you don't really want to stop.  ( Especially if you can still just sit and sew and it still comes off. )  But I am sure it is not healthy and I am just on the edge of not eating.  I still have one regular can of pop a day - and I can have one other thing - nearly anything - and water.  Not anything like a hamburger, or spaghetti, but a whole big can of pineapple rings works just fine.  or even two real ice cream cones - or a beer.  The beer was great - had not had a beer in over a year.  Loud music was involved, I was relaxed, so the next night was another beer - then I was more like a mean drunk trying to figure out if I could still cross stitch with a buzz.  It is a stitching blog after all.... Also why -Treat Your Self Well - seemed like the message I needed to spend some time stitching. 
I promise to try to go back to a more normal blog without the goofiness.  But obviously odd things happen to me, and since I do actually enjoy finding the odd things - I am sure those stories will pop up from time to time.

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