Saturday, April 27, 2013

Next, and the things we forget...

Lauren's Voice from La-D-Da.
On what I think is ivory 28 count one over one.
Treat Your Self Well - seemed like something I should be stitching.

I am going to wrap up the 35 year old romance story from last time.
I really did not understand why I always felt so confused around him.  Both now and 20 years ago.  I became very confused if it was all just a line of ****, (insert whatever word you would like).
I knew there was some connection to us as kids - and now, and he was nice enough to just try to talk it thru with me.  Part of me is just fine around him - part of me is a 16 year old girl.
Funny as adult women the things we have forgotten.
I suspected as kids - we had something unique.  I'd kissed a few boys, he was still very early in his parade of girls.  I needed to make a strong connection, but not break my heart or his.  And put him back out there to kiss a few other girls.  Apparently I was thinking - catch and release - for him.  Then find him again when he is legal size, and finally get to figure out us.  I am sure I had not clue if it would work.  So I would watch from the sidelines.  He went went through the teenage boy in the country with motorized toys stage - with his buddies.  That would not be a safe time for me to be around him, his buddies and him could have tossed me like a bale of hay.  So I waited.  Even teenage reckless boys calm down a little at some point.  Let him toss some other girl into the lake and explode stuff around her.  I'll just wait over here, I'll see other boys, looking for that same connection.
I remember going to find him one night - but suddenly not knowing where to look.  We would have both been out of school.  A telephone call asking his mom I am sure would have done it, but I had to wonder if he would even remember me, even just a year or so out of school.
After getting pulled into an unhealthy relationship with another man, the young woman in me was no longer smart enough to just get out of the bad relationship.  I am sure I no longer even felt he was a possible option to ever work out.  The adult side of me had let him go, and washed away everything about him, except that math class together that was buried so deep in my heart.  That 16 year old girl had not given up.  She is still inside of me waiting to see him again.
So when he showed up at my job, my adult side is thinking - nice to see you, why do you always remember me so fondly?.  That girl is thinking she finally found him again.  She is taking over and hugging him.  He is saying, whatever happened to us?, I came back to find you and you were just gone?  where were you?
The adult me said is thinking What? - meanwhile that girl side is just SO excited - he remembers, he came back.
All that made me feel like a train wreck.  I no longer remembered that I had tried to just stay away from him for basically 2-3 years.  But that girl in me was still watching from the sidelines.  I am sure he never knew that - I am sure I didn't know if we had really had a strong enough connection.

I had to laugh on some level.  No wonder sometimes I can't lose weight - I have and extra 16 year old girl inside me.  I had no idea she was even there.  Just like I hadn't really known that he still had a piece of my heart.  How could I ever have given away a piece of my heart and not remembered?

So when he pops up now again - and I have anxiety before seeing him again - wondering if again 20 years later if he will remember me.  That girl is still in panic over if there is or is not that connection.  And it is not a sexual or chemical connection, it is something else.
So when he says again - whatever happened to us?  where did you go?  I couldn't find you.  The girl swoons, and I become totally puzzled why I am feeling all this confusion.

Because she definitely still is waiting for him, and if she has waiting with both me knowing and not knowing for what I know is 38 years, I really doubt she is going away.  I wondered if she was just the keeper of all old boyfriends, but somehow I suspect she is just for him.
But my physical reactions are really comical, so I know it is real, and it all makes complete sense.
When I am either around him or talking to him on the phone.
My mouth goes completely dry.  ( this has never happened to me ever )
Talking to him on the phone, my voice cracks, and I become breathless, and I cannot seem to get the words out of me fast enough.  (of course - she keeps having to wait 20 years to see him again. She is trying to tell him lots of things - and trying to figure out what he remembers - does he remember - did he feel the connection )
She is sort of mad, she still can't connect because he is still married to somebody else.  ( actually she is telling him, timing is everything...  so again, I don't think she has given up. )
So imagine him telling her all the things he really liked about her then?  She HAD to be completely enraptured.  (Meanwhile I am trying to understand what that connection I am both feeling and not feeling.)
And I also know if I stand too close to him - I can't focus.  My thoughts can't keep up in the conversation ( that's the girl just trying to be closer to him - the adult me thinking what the **** is that all about?)

And if I as the adult need to talk to him about selling the house, he and I are fine, and it is like she understands and waits quietly.  But if I am standing too close to him trying to talk to him about roofing or something else - it is too much for her.  As long as he is far enough away - all is normal.

It is odd, it feels odd.  But since I know one of the rules for her is also - never hurt *******, then I don't think that there should be a problem.  To keep him around me, he has to sell the house eventually.  If he is around at all, she should be very happy, but we have to get past the crazy happiness she felt in finally finding him again after 20 more years.  If she can't shut up, he has to go, because I can't function.
And that is really weird to say when I know whatever that is, is still me.  I am not two separate things.
But it is sure easier to sort out if I treat it like we are two separate things.
I am still trying to wrap my head around this. 

Strange physical reactions to men have happened to me before.  I find it really interesting on some level.  I never see it coming.  Some man kissed me and I felt like my socks are melting.  Married that one.  Would not have expected that from him - physically he would have never been my type, nor I his I am sure.  We divorced later.  You can't marry a man that is an idiot, just because he melts your socks.  Then I had to wonder if there was more sock melting kissers out there.  But - there are more - found another one - so it was really nice to know more of them were out there.
I worked with a guy at a temp job - when I would stand next to him, I felt like I was being pulled to him like a magnet.  I experimented a few days - standing this side of him, and that side of him.  How close did I need to get to feel it.  He was like an odd science experiment.  I had worked with men for 30 years and never felt that before.  I finally looked at him one day and said - okay, what the **** is that???  Do you do that to every woman, or is that something just between you and I - cause if you could bottle whatever that is - or teach that to other men, you'd be rich.  And he asked me what I was feeling with a smile on his face -  and I told him, he obviously already knew what I was going to say.  He said some women feel it, others don't.  I am asking him if he can tell which women would feel it, how long he has been able to do it - because he was nearly 50 years old at that point.  How much he could control it.  At one point - I asked him to stand close to me, with it off and it was like standing next to any man at the store - no spark, nothing.   He walked away, and came back closer to me with it on so I would feel that magnetic pull to him, and he did it - you just wanted to stand so close to him that you were inside of him.  Never met another man that could do that either.  He was not fabulously handsome or built - the magnetic feel felt sexual if I remember it right, it was a few years ago.  He was a straight guy with a terrible crush on his lesbian friend, it was never going to end well for him - I had to wonder on some level if she could feel that same pull or not.  Like I said - he was just really interesting.   
So finding I have a 16 year old girl living inside me - a total surprise.  But just another thing to add to the odd things that have happened.  At least I was able to figure out why I always felt so confused around him, and it really all makes sense now.

Again - nothing changes - he is still married to somebody else - the girl will wait inside me I am sure.  I know his connection is actually not to me, but to her, and I know yet that I am her.
So I feel a little like the outsider.  I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  It answers why I am experiencing teenage angst again.  She really loved him, and therefore I must have really loved him.
Makes me wonder if the right boy from our past showed up, would we all as women experience this?
____
And on a completely different note - I started to diet again - I never talk about that here.  Started before dealing with all this other goofy mixed confusion - but I am sure keeping me totally confused and full of anxiety has helped increase my metabolism.  I lost 21 pounds in 19 days, without exercise.  It is not an ad for anything -but women that have dieted know how hard that is, and how finding the point your body will do a pound a day is a run that you don't really want to stop.  ( Especially if you can still just sit and sew and it still comes off. )  But I am sure it is not healthy and I am just on the edge of not eating.  I still have one regular can of pop a day - and I can have one other thing - nearly anything - and water.  Not anything like a hamburger, or spaghetti, but a whole big can of pineapple rings works just fine.  or even two real ice cream cones - or a beer.  The beer was great - had not had a beer in over a year.  Loud music was involved, I was relaxed, so the next night was another beer - then I was more like a mean drunk trying to figure out if I could still cross stitch with a buzz.  It is a stitching blog after all.... Also why -Treat Your Self Well - seemed like the message I needed to spend some time stitching. 
I promise to try to go back to a more normal blog without the goofiness.  But obviously odd things happen to me, and since I do actually enjoy finding the odd things - I am sure those stories will pop up from time to time.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A crazy romanic moment - that took 35 years....

And the other rabbit pattern - Return the Kindnesses from Hands to Work.
This is it for this one - I decided that less was more, and I loved it this simple.
Wish I had done the same with the first one.  Never intended to frame either, so stitched on scrap fabric.

Well, I learned a several life lessons this week.  It would be a longer story, but here is the short version, which is still long.

Years ago in high school in a math class, I like a boy, and he liked me at the same time.  That he liked me back at the same time was the rare part.  The boy would light up when I came into the room.  No boy or man had done that before or since.
He asked me for a date - I said yes.  I am sure he had a normal date in mind, I was trying to be a date that didn't cost anything, I just wanted to spend time with him.  Didn't need dinner or a movie.  I was worried that I would do or say something really stupid, and hurt him.  I suspected if he kissed me, I would lose my heart forever to him.  I knew he was strong - but I knew his heart could be easily broken, and I never wanted to do that.
So I asked to go look at baby furniture at the furniture store...  He thought it was an assignment for another class, so he said okay.  I was also smart enough to know that if he got home from his date, and his mom asked, what did you do? - saying we had gone to look at baby furniture was going over like a ton of bricks.
I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't trying to be pregnant while in school.  It was a really odd choice, and intended to put him slightly out of his comfort zone.  He took me home after.  In school the following days - he no longer lit up when he saw me, our talks before or after class he no longer had time for.  If I saw him in the hallways - he just ignored me.  He had really liked me, but no longer did.  Simple as that.  But part of me as I said, was scared to death of him because I suspected if it ever starts, it will never end, or end in heartache.  Because we never got to that first kiss, I would never really know.  He had not hurt me - I understood boys changed who they liked or didn't like - I was never sorry that we had liked each other for whatever time it lasted.  

15 years later - I worked two jobs.  My night job I randomly work with a girl that turns out to be his wife's sister.  Did I know him?  Yes.  And I learned that he is married.  One day she tells me he thought he saw me at my day job.  Was that me?  Yes...  So I know he is in the small secured building to work on the heating system - and I know he is sort of wanting to talk to me or see me.  Eventually, while going to another room, I open the door and there he is...  I walk straight up to him into his arms and wrap my arms around him, and hug him, and lay my head on his chest.  For about 10 seconds, nothing in the world had ever felt more natural, before I suddenly realize what I had just done.  Never had done that before to any man - didn't know that I would, when I suddenly saw him again.  I went into shock.
He says - Whatever happened to us?  I tried to find you... where were you???  I wanted to date you again, and it was like you disappeared... I came back to find you...
I am still stunned from hugging him, and completely confused then...
And then he is saying something about my kids... ( I don't have kids, but I am mostly just nodding at whatever he is saying at this point...)  Sure, bring the kids to my house to see the animals, and you know where I live...  (no, no I don't...  nod, nod... )  I was a train wreck at that moment...   I had never felt like home in a hug till that 10 seconds, and if I suspected before, I knew then.  15 years too late.
I went out to where I worked with other guys, and told them I should have married that boy.  But I knew he was already married. 

And this week, 20 years more down the line - at night I sometimes count men or boys that I liked.  Better than sheep... I remember most of them fondly - and wonder about them sometimes.  Then I remember they are all over 50 now and balding, smelly, farty old men, and I stop wondering...
He was not part of the normal boys that I would sometimes think about, but he popped into head.  The next day - a neighbor of my mom's sold a house, so I need a realtor to sell mom's house, it sold fast, I read the listing.  At the very last second - I decide that I should see who the realtor is and keep them in mind.
It's him in the realtor photo.  I knew the boy, but not the man, but he seems like a better idea than a complete stranger.  3 days later he is at an open house.  I have crazy anxiety for those days before going to see him.  I feel he will want answers to something about us long ago.  I try to tell myself it is anxiety, and that was then, and this is now, it is all teenage girl stuff left in my head.  I meet his lovely wife at the open house, he is running late, and not there.  I am suddenly okay again - that was then, this is now, he will probably not even remember me.  I tell her that I think I knew her husband in school, that I'd worked with her sister years ago.  He shows up.  His wife goes to introduce me, but does not know my name, I say my name, and within a split second - he asks if I am still at that same job.  Okay, maybe his just really good with names...  I am not going to bring up us in high school.  But I ask if he would be realtor on my mom's house when I get to that point.  And I need him to say what I need to fix at mom's house or could maybe still sell as part of an auction.  I need his advice, would he come look.  He will meet me after the open house is over.  He had an hour left at the open house yet.
We walk through my mom's house - I am very focused that I never stand too close to him.
He gets to one of the bedrooms and asks me - was this your room?
Ah, there is that teenage boy again.  It makes me smile.
And he suddenly turns to me and says - Whatever happened to us?  Why did that not work out?  Where did you go?  I came back for you, and I couldn't find you, it was like you had disappeared...

There it was again...

35 years after that math class...

I asked if we could just talk about it, and I had to ask if he had ever kissed me.  I had begun to doubt my memories, maybe there was a football game or something...
He told me that he was sure he never had.  But that he had really wanted to - twice, and exactly when and where we were when he had wanted to kiss me all those years ago.  And we keep going through the rest of the house - and I am careful to never stand too close to him.  The closer I stand to him, the more I lose focus.  And he or I will randomly toss in a question about us then while talking about the house.
And I ask if he always remembers me because he remembers everybody, or because he liked me then.  Towards the end we talk more about what we remembered about the class we had together.  Was it Algebra or Geometry?...  And he has started to tell me all the things he liked about me.
He never said the word love - but he told me exactly the way he had felt about me all those years.

He told me that he had loved me, without ever saying that word.  It was truly magical.
Women wait their whole lives hoping to hear words like that from the men in their lives.
It was amazing.

That having him say those things, and knowing that he felt he needed to say those things to me was better than any kiss we could have ever had.  And the best gift any man has ever given me.

All from the boy that I had never kissed.

 And still have never kissed....

That is still married to somebody else.

But I learned - just when you are convinced that there are no more truly romantic things that can happen  - you can still have that moment of incredible wonder and heartache again.  All from a man that two hours before, you were convinced would not remember you from a class 35 years ago.
That contrary to lots of rumors, men over 50 that are still capable of having a crazy romantic moment, are not totally extinct in the world.

And that after having a moment you never dreamed of actually happen, life goes right back to the same place you were the day before.  Knowing that you might never see him again.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Another from the old pattern pile...

This is the next odd thing - Be Not Weary from Hands to Work.
Bad photo - photos were either too light or too dark.
I thought that the rabbit was going to be the off white that is on the right hand side, until I went to put the first stitch in.  Decided to just stitch the pattern as designed, and then consider restitching or changing later...
Stitching on a scrap of 25 count that was big enough to do this one and the companion rabbit design next.
Actually - that little left hand side border that is strawberries, but to me looks more like radishes...
It looks like an expensive piece of ribbon when stitched.  Truly beautiful.  This photo does not reflect that.
Is supposed to have words and stuff stitched in some outside boxes - will probably stitch the boxes and think about it more while stitching the companion design next.  Will be about 4 inches square when completed.

It has begun to rain 40 days and 40 nights here... well, it seems like that.  It took out the router during the first storms.  Modem and computer are fine, and a new router is on the way.
Finished watching Life on Mars, and Ashes to Ashes.  Odd series ending - loved the series and characters, but I think it is just one of those that any ending would seem odd.  You just sort of never want to leave the characters.  Really interesting that between the US and British versions, even they didn't agree on endings and they end completely differently.
It is great weather to just watch tv and stitch away the night.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Three Bears - completed

Three Bears from Prairie Schooler - Completed.
Finished size is 4.5 inches by 6 inches.
Followed the pattern and used the pattern floss.
Still not a clue why I needed to stitch this - but I do still like it in an odd way.
On to the next odd thing from the pattern stash.  Got the material ready for the first stitch later tonight.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Unusual for me...

This is the latest odd thing from the stash.  Prairie Schooler's Three Bears.
This was as of this morning.  I can not explain why I wanted to stitch this, but I have from the moment I saw it.  It is not wonderful or have any odd memory attached to it.  But it will be one of those patterns I compulsively need to stitch.  So just stitch it and move on.  It is on light gray - only because I also have another one from this series, and I suspect it will bother me to not stitch at least one more - and I will want them on the same material to match slightly.  At least they stitch quickly.

I went more than a month before ordering more dvds.  And I did order just one, and a couple of real books.
Much better than my dvd bingeing before.  Had to asked them to resend a missing dvd order from Feb 22.  They are always really nice about doing it.  And they are resending it very quickly again, so I am sure there will be a customs fee again.  I already know the next thing I want - but it is not out till July.  I think now it will just be picking up a few new releases of show series as they become available.  So I am finding some control again - and some moderation.  It is really odd when you are accountable to no one.  I stay up stitching till 5 am, and sleep till 1 pm.  Finally get dressed by 3 pm, and repeat.  Nobody normal would be doing this..., and I am finding it really relaxing.  And since I am not dealing with the outside world much - it works, but I know it is weird.  Summer will force me back to normal - at least until I deal with my parents house.  But like a kid, I am pushing the limits of weird until the last moment when I am forced back to a more normal pattern of life.


Betsy -

Betsy from Sheepish Designs.
Finished at 3 inches by 7.25 inches.
It stitched pretty quickly.  It is on yellow - like the pattern photo, but the white sheep do not show up well.
It is not compete.  It is missing the giant squirrel from the upper right corner.  The squirrel is as big as the flag in her lap.  Under the peacock is the year date - not stitched.  And there is supposed to be a needle and thread in her up stretched arm - again not stitched yet.
I wanted to stitch one of these patterns - not sure if just outlining the white sheep is the answer - her face is very dull - she needs another row of hair on top.  Skipped stitching the bottom line under the alphabet as it just makes framing harder to look straight.  It is not done - but it might be done as far as I am concerned.

I had the patterns and bought the floss for lots of the patterns.  Now I am just randomly using up the stash.
So the projects for a while - REALLY random.  But they stitch up in just a few days.  I will stitch them without plans to frame them.  Buying anything new while having so much makes no sense.  Doesn't mean I won't still look.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Small But Sweet

Needlework from Little House Needleworks.
3 inches by 4 inches.
Something from the bottom of the stash.
Gave her smaller feet and hands and a narrower face.  Removed word from top.  Changed center design from a rooster to something that fitted the things I stitch.
Started Betsy from Sheepish Designs - another from the bottom of the stash that I hope will stitch up in a week or less.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Finally a finish

Finally a finish...
Watching all of Caroline in the City again helped, as well as the entire Downton Abbey series.

It is stitched in silk floss, on 25 count black evenweave, one over one.
Layout was changed to widen it - gold color was changed from a more yellow.
The gold leaf band is what I would omit if I was to do it again.  Omitted some stitches on the tulip band, and the bottom band. Finished design size is 8 inches x 10 inches.

Not a clue what is next... something old, something new.... lots of ideas.