Sunday, March 3, 2013

Still in the hoop...

Not much stitching this week - maybe none at all.
My friends husband died Tuesday morning.
She called for me to stay with the dog that Monday - and her son brought her home again before dark.
I told her I would take her back later if she wanted to check on him, she doesn't drive after dark.  His oxygen level was at 62% at that point when she came home.  She said she didn't know what she would do if the care center called her in the middle of the night.  I said I would be happy to come get her, and take her if she needed, no matter what time it was.  She also had enough to take a cab if that was her choice.  So I was lying in bed thinking about her at 11:30 pm later that same night, and she called saying her son was on the way to get her - and would I take care of the dog before morning.  Sure.  So about 4 am I was on my way to her house.  But because his levels were so low, I was a little afraid that he would have already died at that point, and they could have all been back home.  Since the care center was on my way to her house, I stopped there.  But I don't know their cars, and I didn't want to intrude, but I also didn't want to enter her house if she had gone home and back to bed.  It would have scared one or both of us pretty badly.  So there was a worker out for a smoke break, so I'm talking to her from the car - asking if she works there - is he dead???  She didn't work on that floor, but she didn't think he had died either.  So I went on my way.  It was just another odd moment in my life.  I had the feeling all night long that by 6 or 7 am, it would all be over.  The dog was glad to see anybody.  They were back home about 7:30 am.  He had died at 6:22 am.

I didn't say anything when she and her son and his wife came in.  I was just ready to go home.  She had called to say they were on their way home just minutes before.  I am her friend, not her family.  It is not my place.  After some time and other conversation she finally said that he had died, and when.  She had watched it.  I think she may have left the room to get a nurse, and missed seeing his final breaths, but her son saw that.  She was surprised at how quickly he had gone -.  I am not sure what point of reference she was using.  She would start to talk to me about it, or about the final 4 hours, and then she would stop herself and say, - oh, you must have seen that too when you watched your mom die... and she would not want to upset me, so she would stop herself.
So I know she wants to talk about what she saw.  And I don't have a problem talking about it with her.  After I went through it - my first question was - what the hell was that???  I had to find somebody that had watched it.  I had to talk to somebody that would be honest with me.  But to have her sit with me just hours later - was not the right time to let her talk about it.  She's over 80 years old, and had been up all night, with no sleep.  It was not the time.
There were a few hours of nice weather.  I stopped and got a few groceries, and came home and went back to bed.  I woke up hours later and it had snowed six inches.  I wondered how long I had slept since it was suddenly winter again.
So the timing could not have been better - it all happened before it snowed, everybody was able to do things safely.  It snowed a little more before the services, but the roads were clear again and not icy.

It was strange.  I was going to stay at her house during the visitation, and services the following day.  So I was sort of wondering if they were doing a lunch.  It was at the funeral home, and then the church, but not graveside.  I knew they would do the military thing, but I wasn't sure how that works if they aren't graveside.
So I finally asked - would she tell me about the services?
So she explains - visitation, then the next day at the church - but that it was too cold to bury him...
- but we have the urn picked out... and the casket will be open at the church... and them military guys at the end of the church service... and the luncheon after...

My uncle is a gravedigger.  I know it is nearly never too cold to bury somebody.  They put heaters on the ground overnight - then they can dig.  ( I used to only think of electric heaters... I used to wonder where the plug outlets were in the cemetery... )  So what she is saying isn't adding up for me.  Caskets, Urns, Too cold to bury somebody...  what???
I would have never figured it out.  So she did the service, but she is having him cremated.  She figured with the crazy cost of the care center bills - it was smarter to spent the money on him while he was alive than to bury him in a fancy coffin.  I am not the person to judge.  I did stuff that I am sure mom's friends didn't understand, but I did what my mom said she wanted.  Other than I didn't put her in the ground for a year.  That would seem weird to some people.  So I was not out to judge.  I just could not figure out what she was saying.

By the time she got home from the visitation, the funeral was less than 12 hours away.  I knew she had not slept much.  It took me two days to catch up sleep from the night I missed, and I knew she had to be exhausted.  And I am sure that she didn't miss church this morning even though the funeral was just yesterday.

I am sure he is being cremated  - today, tomorrow - and it is supposed to snow yet again tonight, tomorrow.
The woman just keeps going like the energizer bunny.
I am always trying to learn from her.  I have told her friends to keep an eye on her, or give her a call once things settle a little.  She was so involved in her husbands daily care for years, she is going to have that caregiver crash after the person dies.
I am curious exactly what will happen.  Her sister is in the care center now, and she could just pick up with going to see her sister everyday just like she did with her husband and not miss a beat.  I am not saying she should or should not do that - I am just curious what she will do.

Between her husband dying, and the night before her husbands visitation, she went to somebody else's funeral visitation.  She said it was an odd feeling to walk up to the casket.  How could it not be???
Like I said - she just keeps going and going....


In other news, I got a customs bill / fee / import charge for the replacement order from Amazon UK being sent thru UPS nearly overnight. $14.  It was still worth it, but I never understood why some orders would have that, and others would not.  I read all the fine print before ordering the first time, and the bottom line was always, if they bill you for customs fees, or other fees, you owe it.  I think it was because it came UPS, second or third day, and UPS to the door.  I paid it.  I am hoping that nothing else suddenly pops up with fees I owe, but out of nine packages, that was it so far, and the only one to come thru UPS.

Was doing well not wanting anything new.  Was eyeing all the new stitching patterns from market.  Then today I orders more video - the series Rhoda.  The show ran 5 seasons, and you can buy 4 seasons on video.  I haven't figured out if every time they predict another snowstorm it makes me want to order or what.

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