Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A crazy romanic moment - that took 35 years....

And the other rabbit pattern - Return the Kindnesses from Hands to Work.
This is it for this one - I decided that less was more, and I loved it this simple.
Wish I had done the same with the first one.  Never intended to frame either, so stitched on scrap fabric.

Well, I learned a several life lessons this week.  It would be a longer story, but here is the short version, which is still long.

Years ago in high school in a math class, I like a boy, and he liked me at the same time.  That he liked me back at the same time was the rare part.  The boy would light up when I came into the room.  No boy or man had done that before or since.
He asked me for a date - I said yes.  I am sure he had a normal date in mind, I was trying to be a date that didn't cost anything, I just wanted to spend time with him.  Didn't need dinner or a movie.  I was worried that I would do or say something really stupid, and hurt him.  I suspected if he kissed me, I would lose my heart forever to him.  I knew he was strong - but I knew his heart could be easily broken, and I never wanted to do that.
So I asked to go look at baby furniture at the furniture store...  He thought it was an assignment for another class, so he said okay.  I was also smart enough to know that if he got home from his date, and his mom asked, what did you do? - saying we had gone to look at baby furniture was going over like a ton of bricks.
I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't trying to be pregnant while in school.  It was a really odd choice, and intended to put him slightly out of his comfort zone.  He took me home after.  In school the following days - he no longer lit up when he saw me, our talks before or after class he no longer had time for.  If I saw him in the hallways - he just ignored me.  He had really liked me, but no longer did.  Simple as that.  But part of me as I said, was scared to death of him because I suspected if it ever starts, it will never end, or end in heartache.  Because we never got to that first kiss, I would never really know.  He had not hurt me - I understood boys changed who they liked or didn't like - I was never sorry that we had liked each other for whatever time it lasted.  

15 years later - I worked two jobs.  My night job I randomly work with a girl that turns out to be his wife's sister.  Did I know him?  Yes.  And I learned that he is married.  One day she tells me he thought he saw me at my day job.  Was that me?  Yes...  So I know he is in the small secured building to work on the heating system - and I know he is sort of wanting to talk to me or see me.  Eventually, while going to another room, I open the door and there he is...  I walk straight up to him into his arms and wrap my arms around him, and hug him, and lay my head on his chest.  For about 10 seconds, nothing in the world had ever felt more natural, before I suddenly realize what I had just done.  Never had done that before to any man - didn't know that I would, when I suddenly saw him again.  I went into shock.
He says - Whatever happened to us?  I tried to find you... where were you???  I wanted to date you again, and it was like you disappeared... I came back to find you...
I am still stunned from hugging him, and completely confused then...
And then he is saying something about my kids... ( I don't have kids, but I am mostly just nodding at whatever he is saying at this point...)  Sure, bring the kids to my house to see the animals, and you know where I live...  (no, no I don't...  nod, nod... )  I was a train wreck at that moment...   I had never felt like home in a hug till that 10 seconds, and if I suspected before, I knew then.  15 years too late.
I went out to where I worked with other guys, and told them I should have married that boy.  But I knew he was already married. 

And this week, 20 years more down the line - at night I sometimes count men or boys that I liked.  Better than sheep... I remember most of them fondly - and wonder about them sometimes.  Then I remember they are all over 50 now and balding, smelly, farty old men, and I stop wondering...
He was not part of the normal boys that I would sometimes think about, but he popped into head.  The next day - a neighbor of my mom's sold a house, so I need a realtor to sell mom's house, it sold fast, I read the listing.  At the very last second - I decide that I should see who the realtor is and keep them in mind.
It's him in the realtor photo.  I knew the boy, but not the man, but he seems like a better idea than a complete stranger.  3 days later he is at an open house.  I have crazy anxiety for those days before going to see him.  I feel he will want answers to something about us long ago.  I try to tell myself it is anxiety, and that was then, and this is now, it is all teenage girl stuff left in my head.  I meet his lovely wife at the open house, he is running late, and not there.  I am suddenly okay again - that was then, this is now, he will probably not even remember me.  I tell her that I think I knew her husband in school, that I'd worked with her sister years ago.  He shows up.  His wife goes to introduce me, but does not know my name, I say my name, and within a split second - he asks if I am still at that same job.  Okay, maybe his just really good with names...  I am not going to bring up us in high school.  But I ask if he would be realtor on my mom's house when I get to that point.  And I need him to say what I need to fix at mom's house or could maybe still sell as part of an auction.  I need his advice, would he come look.  He will meet me after the open house is over.  He had an hour left at the open house yet.
We walk through my mom's house - I am very focused that I never stand too close to him.
He gets to one of the bedrooms and asks me - was this your room?
Ah, there is that teenage boy again.  It makes me smile.
And he suddenly turns to me and says - Whatever happened to us?  Why did that not work out?  Where did you go?  I came back for you, and I couldn't find you, it was like you had disappeared...

There it was again...

35 years after that math class...

I asked if we could just talk about it, and I had to ask if he had ever kissed me.  I had begun to doubt my memories, maybe there was a football game or something...
He told me that he was sure he never had.  But that he had really wanted to - twice, and exactly when and where we were when he had wanted to kiss me all those years ago.  And we keep going through the rest of the house - and I am careful to never stand too close to him.  The closer I stand to him, the more I lose focus.  And he or I will randomly toss in a question about us then while talking about the house.
And I ask if he always remembers me because he remembers everybody, or because he liked me then.  Towards the end we talk more about what we remembered about the class we had together.  Was it Algebra or Geometry?...  And he has started to tell me all the things he liked about me.
He never said the word love - but he told me exactly the way he had felt about me all those years.

He told me that he had loved me, without ever saying that word.  It was truly magical.
Women wait their whole lives hoping to hear words like that from the men in their lives.
It was amazing.

That having him say those things, and knowing that he felt he needed to say those things to me was better than any kiss we could have ever had.  And the best gift any man has ever given me.

All from the boy that I had never kissed.

 And still have never kissed....

That is still married to somebody else.

But I learned - just when you are convinced that there are no more truly romantic things that can happen  - you can still have that moment of incredible wonder and heartache again.  All from a man that two hours before, you were convinced would not remember you from a class 35 years ago.
That contrary to lots of rumors, men over 50 that are still capable of having a crazy romantic moment, are not totally extinct in the world.

And that after having a moment you never dreamed of actually happen, life goes right back to the same place you were the day before.  Knowing that you might never see him again.

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