Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Bit Of Progress In Life

Well, actually, I am still working on the other design, but this one was a bit further, and easier to take a photo of...
Not lots of time for stitching - I seem to get distracted, and not pick it up as I should in the evenings.  I prefer to stitch - so I must just find the groove again.

We are back to three days a week at my mothers house.  Three days does not sound like much and they are not 8 hour days.  But it can still feel exhausting because everything is a decision.  Keep it?  Sell it?  Toss it?  Scrap Metal?  Burn the paper and cardboard...  Does it stay with the house for the next owner?  Can it be recycled?  Just trash?  and the big question is usually - What is it????
And lots of things come with notes my dad wrote - needs sharpening - doesn't work - does work - new - used - found on the table, but not sure where it came from... -  ( really that was a note today... ) - metal, not sure if I found it on the floor at work or where exactly... - should do this with it - no plans for it...
And the big one - TO BE SORTED....
This was usually a box of mixed items - it usually include several drill bits...and up to 60 other items...
I think my dad never passed a garage sale - so if he could pick up a good hammer cheap - or a box of misc. screwdrivers cheap - he bought them.  I will take photos at some point - it is crazy the just the number of drill bits I have at the moment.  Those shoe box sized totes?  I have at least 6 of those full of drill bits.  That does not include brace and bit auger type drill bits, just electric drill type bits.  Now at auction - if you have only a dozen you might get a fair price - if you have a million drill bits, you don't get more for them...  so I have decided to bring the ALL home with me, and never have to buy another drill bit for the rest of my life. 
I could hand one to every person I meet for years and still not give them all away.  Some women would keep their mothers fine china - or collection of something - not me, I am keeping the tools - clamps - router - sander - chainsaw - gas trimmers and mowers.
The next man I date will tell his friends - she might not cook great - but you should see her drill bits...
I swear she has 150 pairs of needle nose pliers... and 70 pairs of cutters... -
Photos are really required to believe this - I am not exaggerating, if anything, it is way over that...
Next time - I will try to take the camera.  We still have most of the items split between the basement and the garage - and now I have brought some of it home.  But eventually it will all end up at my house.
It all weighs a ton.

Needed to talk to the realtor - who is the guy I wrote about, my unkissed romance.  I had talked to 3 people about buying mom's house - even before it is listed for sale - and I needed to know what to say, or what not to say.  So he was at an open house nearby, and I met him there to talk between customers at the open house.  It was a house that was built about the same time as my mom's house 1964, and it was referred to as a raised ranch house - but it felt very similar to my mothers house - same base boards, same closet doors, same oak floors - it is on an in town lot next to a busy street, but the windows have all been replaced and it is very quiet inside with no traffic noise - $135K.  nice little fenced yard with a garden.  So when I commented to him that it felt like my mom's he said, but the location of my mom's is so much better. 

The realtor and I always seem to end up in odd conversations - part about now and selling mom's house, and part about high school then.  We have met common people through different angles - and I asked if he knew the guy that is my best friend now but we knew each other in high school - I thought maybe they played football or something together?  Yes, he knew him - they were in Scouts together...  oh good grief. 

So we talked about lots of things - I keep saying I know I have got to stop dragging him into our past.  Maybe now it is not us specific.  I asked if he had gone to his senior prom because I was there but with somebody else - yes he had gone...  It seemed like I had seen him there - but I could have easily just remembered it wrong.  At that point there was no connection between us.  I needed to let him date other girls and hoped find him again after he was 18...  I was jealous enough as a girl to not want to watch that too closely, so I had to just let him go, and I had my own lessons to learn with other boys.

And I try to remember that even if we had dated - he still may have ended up exactly where he is, with his wife.  Nothing to say that we would have lasted or not lasted.  Sometimes I don't even understand what the connection is between us.  As a girl - I knew he wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss him - never happened.  I knew once he kissed me I would lose my heart to him forever, and we were too young for that to happen at 15 and 16.  I would have hurt him - and I did not want to hurt him.  I was too stupid with boys feelings, and he was too special to me.

But he sometimes questions me about why I did not ever kiss him.  Especially since I have said I knew he wanted to kiss me, and I wanted him to kiss me.  Why couldn't I have just made the leap first...
I said I always preferred the boy to kiss me first.  And that I always thought our height difference would have stopped me from ever just kissing him unless he was sitting down.  The only time I was next to him while he was sitting down was that math class - either before or after class when we would talk.  Then usually I would stand next to his desk or sit in a nearby desk.  We must have always had a class after because as I have said before - I don't remember walking with him in the hallways or meeting him before an assembly to sit together.  I was the girl he liked, not his girlfriend.  He said if I ever had kissed him while he was in that math desk - he and the desk would have flipped over.... which is so sweet and made me laugh.

But I told him again I felt that I was not tall enough to have just kissed him without standing on the step above him, or he would have to have been sitting down. 
I asked him to just stand still - don't panic - that I was not going to touch him or kiss him, but I wanted to stand close enough to know if that was true or not.  I was in sneakers, and he was in his socks.  I just really wanted to know - it is more than 35 years later - I am tired of wondering and not knowing - I had no intention of kissing him - it was not meant as a tease.  It was like a math theory question - would it have been possible to kiss him... 

So we are both standing and I step very close to him, but not touching him.  And I am looking at how far his mouth would have been from my mouth, and judging it to be about 6 inches from mine.  And that I probably could stretch to make up 4 inches of that - but he would have had to have leaned slightly towards me, and been cooperating.  And that to avoid ever kissing me all he would have had to have done was to tilt his head back, and I could simply have not reached him to kiss him...
It was a true question for me, and that was my thoughts, not sexual - and I am just looking at his mouth trying to figure this out, and he is standing very still, so still that I actually probably lost myself in the question and thinking about it.  So I suddenly can feel that he is watching me look at him while I am silently thinking all this - and I finally look at his eyes and he is just watching me - and suddenly it was all sexual - oh good grief -
I know he is hoping that I have lied and will just kiss him finally - and he is just waiting for me to do something, anything to end this moment of tension for him. 
But I said I would not kiss him or touch him.  And I will never lie to him, he has to never doubt what I tell him.  Things I tell him he has to believe to his core and know he can always trust me.
So I slowly back away from him -
And he said - Well???  It was not as far of a reach as you thought, was it???
Nope, was all I could say...

And we changed the subject -
He was in a good mood - that whole day.  When I got there, he asked me to sit down, and I said I preferred to stand because I have to keep a certain distance between us.  ( The girl inside me gets too excited, and makes me lose focus so I have explained to him that I just have to not stand too close to him. )  He started to smile like a boy teasing me, and he took 2 steps towards me to see if I would stand my ground or try to back away from him...  I backed up nearly automatically - so he laughed and went to sit down away from me on the sofa while I stood.  I know it was just his way of teasing me.

We talked more.  As we were ready to leave - he reached down to grab something off of the floor in front of me.  And I reached out to rub or lightly scratch his back.  It is just a way for me to use a quick burst of energy - I have done this with guys I liked and worked with for years.  If they are open to me touching them - they sometimes get a quick back rub as I walk past or if I know they are having a bad day.  Most men will accept this from me - is comes nearly automatically anymore, and even after not working for so long - it just felt natural to reach out to quickly rub his back - then I realized that I have never done this to him, and he doesn't know that it is completely normal for me to do this to men I am comfortable around, and so I start to explain...
And he says - oh, for pete's sake.... and grabs me and hugs me from the side at an odd angle.  So much so that I can't hug him back.  I was just suddenly smooshed in a hug.  It was like he finally decided he had always wanted to hug me, and that is was just sort of silly not to just hug me.
And there was like a fountain spray of emotion included in the hug -
I have tried to hug him once 20 years ago, he does not remember that, and the day he looked at selling my mom's house, and not as kids.  Both times it was like hugging a tree.  The tree gives you nothing, and neither did he.  So for him to just finally hug me after 35 years with some emotion finally included - it was just really nice and actually felt normal for a change.  He needed to just get that out of his system.  If he wants to hug me - just hug me.  Men hug me.  Even one guy that only touches his wife - and I NEVER touch - elbowed me several times the other day - and it took me a minute but I realized that is his way of hugging me.  He did it in front of his wife - and I got it.  So sometimes a hug comes a way that you don't even realize, and could easily be dismissed.
I am sure at the moment, I come off as very - damsel in distress - because I am in a situation that I do need their help.  And the good guys are stepping up to help - and they all try to reassure me that it will all work out.  But I was just so screwed from the start to be able to do it on my own.  I know at this point it will end eventually, and I will get through it, and it could have been much worse.

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