Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Can feel the tension...

Can feel the auction tension starting to rise.  People saying, it is only three weeks away...
The auctioneer is starting to post photos of my stuff on his website, but not the address yet.
The cell phone photos he took are pretty awful.  

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Men, Stupid Boys, and Maybe

Things are still moving along with sorting stuff for the auction.
Was stitching a bit, not too much more done.

Need to sort and burn old papers and notebooks.  My dad wrote a diary of what he did each day the first year he retired.  Just a couple of paragraphs each day, but I read it as sort of a last effort to connect with my dead parents I suppose.  I don't want to regret not reading it later for example.  It reads pretty quick and just took a few hours to read through the year.  Sort of curious to see how many times I was referenced as his only kid, even as his old adult kid in 1996.  I once went to pick up a pizza for just me, ordered 2, thought I REALLY don't need to eat two, and took one out to my parents house in the country for them instead.  This made his diary as the kid bringing out a surprise pizza, and that it was good.  Something I just would have dropped off and left after calling to make sure they had not already had dinner.  But certainly no big deal either.

Reading it would mean nothing to others, but stuff mentioned I remember.  My dad died in 2000, so it has been long enough that I can read it without being upset.  Some of it helps when he is referencing what year something was done like re-roofing part of the garage.  Stuff the realtor asked, and I had no clue about.
Now I know.  1996.  The pages just get tossed as I read them.  Most of it I will not remember myself in just a few months.  And I burn the paper the next day.  Mom did not write notes on everything.  She printed off recipes from internet sites.  Some worth keeping, some using stuff I never have around to cook with.  So kept some, tossed lots.  Could do that nightly for months to get through all the notes and random papers.

The guy interested in mom's house finally called back to try to see the house again.  The realtor called me because he needed keys, and to set up when or mostly not when... then the guy won't return the realtors call again.  All over just 3 hour time period.
I really did not want to give the realtor keys till after the house is empty of stuff after the auction.  But I took him keys the next day just so he would have them to walk this one guy through - but I don't want random buyers walking thru an area with boxes on the floor everywhere, and tools that can be slipped into a pocket.  After the auction, that is no longer an issue.  But still trying to get this one guy through.

Went to see the realtors other house he built.  Might need him to build for me, so I want to see what he has built.  A one level ranch style, built for a husband and wife where the husband is in a wheelchair.  The realtor is a house contractor, but people buying from his homes asked if he could sell the houses they were moving from... so he got his realtor stuff so he could do that too.  But he doesn't just sell random listings, but for people he knows, or his own homes he has built, or for very goofy old girls that he once liked that need him to help, like me...

My best guy friend called and asked if he could help me a few days this week.  We were in school together, never dated, but did go to junior prom together as friends.  He told me then that his mom wanted him to go, and he was between girlfriends and a couple of other girls had already said no before he asked me, was the story I got at the time.  He completely denies this story now.  Goofy boys.

Anyway, he was coming, then it turned out it was his 26th wedding anniversary... and he would have to be home the very next day... I understand that completely... not a problem... but maybe we just need to delay it a few days.  Nope, coming the day before, will see how far we get.  We moved what still needed to go to the auction in his truck, a dresser and mirror from my house, and then brought some big stuff to my house, or crazy heavy stuff like toolboxes.  There were 2 large chests in the garage rafters that needed to still be taken down.  So I got a second and third guy to come and meet him to help with that.  Took just minutes, but to do it safely, we needed extra guys.

Then the realtor showed up to see my friend because they had been in boy scouts together.  So he ended up helping get the trunks down too.  They had not seen each other for 40 years, but it was a short reunion.  I just got out of the way with the other guy I had asked to help, and showed him what would still need to be moved the auction morning.

By the time we came back out, the realtor was leaving, the reunion was over, and the other guy was just getting there, and the trunks were already down.  But the other guy stayed and talked.  We all worked together long ago, but I am the common connection now since they don't see each other or work together anymore.  They are still always glad to see each other too.

It was sort of an auction preview of having 4 of the men that I have felt very close to and worked with around me.  Men I have known for 25 years or nearly 40 years, and men that had been in boys scouts together nearly 40 years ago.  Really odd.
The boy I liked...
The men I worked with and trusted with my life to never hurt me.
The other boy I knew in school that I later contacted and became my best friend now.

So I expected when I saw them all standing together, it would be very comforting for me, but slightly odd to see them all gathered at my mom's home.

What I felt was just odd.  They all have had such different relationships with me.  They are all very odd men in their own personalities, and even if I say that they are certainly all complete electronics geeks for example, they would never all have enough in common to be friends.  Although they are pairs of friends.  I am just the common connection.
At the auction it will be the same odd thing again just with tossing in a few more people.  
It is a party that none of these guys would every come to normally, nor would I.  But because they understand it is my situation, and not a party, they will show up to help me.  They understand I need them, and would never ask if I was not desperate with nobody else to turn to. 

And on a test run just a few weeks before an auction, I was trying for 2 or 3 guys and got 4 because the realtor wanted to see his scouting buddy, not me, and knew exactly what time he would be with me and where.  He had told me the day before when I dropped of the keys and saw the house that if he was in the area he might stop to see him.  It was not a complete surprise.

So my friend ended up staying the second night with me and going home first thing the next morning.  He spent his 26th wedding anniversary with me.  His wifes parents had reminded his wife, otherwise she had actually forgotten completely about it too till the day before he was supposed to come.

We went out to dinner after hauling the last load and cleaning up.  He said he did not have clean jeans to wear.  I asked what size he was wearing... he said 40 x 30's, I said I have those - he could borrow my pants to wear.  ( I told him I hate him because my current size is two sizes above that... but because my weight has shifted so much I keep pants, and could fit any guy down to a 30 x 32...)  The pants looked nice on him, so I told him to keep them.  Good luck explaining how you go visit the girl you knew from high school and come home with extra pants... her pants...

We had a great time talking about lots of stuff.  It has been a long time since I have had a guy around to support me as well as he does.  Made me miss that again.  It was nice to go out to dinner with a guy again.  Went to a steakhouse and I had the best steak I have had for years.  We got so much done.  All because he was there to help do the things I needed done.  And all I had to do was ask and point him in a direction.
( really better than most husbands because he knows he is only stuck with me for such a short time... )

After all the weird moments talking about my past with the realtor as a boy and our past relationship.  I asked this guy if he remembered when he first met me.  I remember he was the farming neighbor boy of the girl that became my best friend.  She had a slight crush on him... but he always liked other girls, lots of girls.  I really do not remember talking to him much before high school.  We would have talked a bit, but I would not have liked him so as not to step on my best girl friends crush on him.

I really should know that my questions to men that knew me as boys are never going to end well...
So I asked - when did he first remember me from...
He says - Junior High...
Specifically, he told me that he remembered that he had pinned me to the ground at Junior High recess...

Hummm... we didn't have recess in Junior High.... which for us was 7-9 grades...
Yes we did... the girls would stand in groups of 2 - 6 talking and the boys would do the same type thing.
Yep, that's right...
Okay, I don't have any memory of him doing this to me specifically, it is possible.

I do remember that several boys would sometimes grab me and wrestle me to the ground to pin me.
I do remember that after the first couple of times this happened with boys doing this to me, maybe even from kindergarten, that if I did not really resist, and just went to the ground, it was over much quicker and they would let me go and I would not get hurt and they would go away almost immediately.  I made it no challenge for them.  If they were looking for the fight to overpower me, I offered no challenge.  I do not remember the same boy ever doing that to me more than once.  But I do remember it happening sometimes.  They would not sit on me and try to kiss me, or grope me, or even tickle me.  It was just like it was a test, sometimes it was with other boys mostly, a show of dominance or strength.  Sometimes they would grab me instead.  I was a girl of comparable size to most of the bigger boys, I was not the tiny petite girl with long hair that was girly.  I never understood why they would do this sometimes to me, and it seemed completely like a random attack sometimes.  But it was not daily or weekly, just random boys, random times, and over pretty quickly.  It was not something I enjoyed or wanted to happen.  I certainly did not like the boys that did it to me.  And if I had liked them even slightly, them tossing me to the ground would have certainly make me not like them anymore.  I really did not understand if they did it to tease me because they liked me, or because they did not like me.  I understood that they were not tossing all the girls like this, and that I was still fair game even in a skirt or dress or jeans.

So I ask they guy that I worked with and have known for 25 years... hey you were kind of a little guy at 120 pounds in school - and you would have lost a few rounds of this just because of your size alone.  Was this part of just having siblings and putting them in the pecking order?  Were you guys all like tiger cubs learning to play fight before growing up and tossing each other was part of that?  Why did I become part of the game, and did you ever do this to a girl???  A girl you liked or didn't like???  What was the point to pinning a girl to the ground as a pre-teen or early teen boy?
He said he did not do this with siblings, or other boys.  If he had done this to a girl, his parents would have marched him to her house for a very public apology to her and her family.  This never happened in his world.

So I asked my best friend that claimed he had done this to me.
Why?  Even if I do not remember this incident or even if he did it to some other girl and not me, why was he doing this to girls at all?  Give me some insight as to why other boys did this to me at all.

He wrote me back in a text message saying - It was much too long ago, he doesn't remember.

You tossed and wrestled girls to the ground and sat on us, and you do not know why???
Earlier he said that I always seemed to like older boys, even in junior high...  I said yes, they would snuggle and cuddle me and not hurt me.  Boys my age were randomly tossing me to the ground and pinning me to the dirt and you don't get why I would have liked other older boys that would just walk me to homeroom and kiss me slightly then go back to the high school?  And meet me after school to walk me to the buses and slightly kiss me and hug me again...  Gee, I know exactly why I liked the older boys.

 Stupid boys.

I had asked this same guy about my friend and I swimming at his house when just his mom was there, he wasn't.  Because we were not city kids, we did not have swimsuits on hand and just wore t-shirts and short shorts.  But wet t-shirts did not work well, and since it was just her and I alone in the water, we took off the shirts and put them on the pool edge.  We were not back floating for all the world to see.
Then later - we found out that the slightly younger brother of this guy may have been watching us from a bedroom window the whole time.
I am asking all this stupid other stuff from the past, I might as well finally learn if the brother was watching us or not.  Was he there?  Did he remember this?  He might not have known exactly who I was with my friend, but she was the neighbor girl, he would have known her very well.  I am sure 2 girls swimming topless in your parents pool would have been a memory a boy did not forget.  So my friend texts his brother with my question...
He text back nearly immediately...
Maybe ;-)

Maybe with a winking smiley face....  what does that mean?  Did he, didn't he, he wishes he had?
I had maybe before, which is why I really wanted to know the answer truthfully 35 years later.
And I get - maybe - as the answer????

Stupid boys... stupid men...

I would normally have said it was just a moment that he forgot - that seeing girls topless would have not been worth remembering - but I have learned lately that boys never forgot stuff like that in times long before the internet.  We did not do it knowing he was there.  We learned later that he was there... and why would he have been watching us at all?  Because he was a teenage boy... long before cable tv...
So was he there or not???
I told my friend, his brother, that I really would like to know the truth and that - maybe in a text message - was not the truth.  He said his brother would probably tell him if he asked directly, not in a text.
Yes, no, I don't remember, all work as actual answers.  I understand all this is so long ago, that the truth is not even what they remember sometimes, or what I remember.  But the answers to some of these questions about things are really strange.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Stress and other stuff I forgot

If you take the last photo and add about 8 stars to that left side - that's what it looks like now.  Stitched last night, but that has been it.

Things are changing at mom's.  The stress is getting to me.  Signed the realtor papers. Then the guy that wanted to walk through it so bad - will not return phone calls.  Okay, I can live with that.  Any advantage in dealing with him now goes out the window and the price jumps $10,000. for him.  Expensive for men in my life to ignore me.  At one point I was hearing all the plans the guy had for my mom's house.

The auctioneer showed up to get the info for the auction ad.  He forgot his briefcase.  So he had no camera and no contract.  So today I went to where his auction was and signed the contract for my auction.  It will be crazy before that is all over.  He took cell phone photos that day.  I can only imagine.  He looked... he took photos... he made lists...  he has been doing it a long time.  He gets 20% plus the ad.  He will get us 3 hayracks to preload with stuff the week before.  He says to just move this and that - and I say - you understand that there really are no men to help me until the morning of the auction.  So it is really just the woman that has helped me and me...

That is why all this takes so long.  It is really just her and I, and she is the organizing machine.  She is great with the things she knows, but she tossed a bar of metal, and this week we are taking the scrap to the recycler so I look at the bar a little closer.  It is not a bar, it is a gun barrel.  A rifle barrel.
We made 2 trips to the metal scrap yard on Friday.  Each was about 300 pounds in my car.  Got $71 the first load and $49 the second load.  I always split the money with the woman that helps me.  It helps pay for our gas money to get to my mom's house.  We have 2 more car loads and that should be the end of running metal.  At least one more dumpster, but not till after the auction.

And as usual, the realtor that I knew and liked in high school tossed another weird thing at me again.  We were signing the paperwork, and he decides to have a remember when moment.

Okay, as I have said before, we made one attempt at a date.  I attempted to make it unusual by asking him to take me to look at baby furniture.  It was my weird attempt to learn what he saw for his own future.  I was 15 and he was 16.  He like me and was very shy and never ever kissed me.  After this weird date, I remember him not talking to me, or no longer having time for me.  He does not remember it that way.

One other thing.  I asked him a few weeks ago about other women he dated.  He said there was a girl he dated for 4 years... I said, why didn't you marry her?  He said, well, if she had ever answered the door wearing just a towel I might have...

Hummm...okay, she wasn't something he was hoping for...  not sure what I am supposed to get from that answer...

So in his - remember when moment - he says...
Remember when I picked you up for our date and you came to the door wearing just a towel?

What?  No!  I  do not remember that at all.  Are you sure this was me?  Yes it was you...

Now suddenly the comment about the other girlfriend not in the towel makes more sense.  I had no idea he was trying to reference something I had done to him.

But then I had to figure out why, I was not the teenage girl to be waiting to greet boys at the door in a towel.  Besides the other boys I knew would have grabbed the towel away from me.  So what had happened?  I can only suspect.  He was probably early, and I was getting ready.  I would have not wanted to leave him outside waiting, and wondering why nobody came to the door.  Or something silly like I forgot or changed my mind and did not want to go...  so in a moments thought it would have seemed easiest to just go let him in to wait inside while I finished getting dressed.   I would have been covered more than girls at the beach, and not let it register too much that I was wearing just a towel before leaving him to get dressed.  He was not the boy to grab the towel.  I was smart enough to have thought it was slightly funny, and known that most boys would be thrilled to catch a girl in just a towel at some point.  I was pretty sure like that dog that chases cars, he was not at the point he would know what to do if he suddenly caught the car, and actually had the girl in front of him.  I was hoping it would make him smile.  I was always doing things to try to get boys to smile or laugh.

For me even this was a non-event that I did not remember at all.
For him, he never forgot.

Then he said, you don't know what that did to me as a teenage boy....

And his voice cracked when he said it now.  I have never heard his voice crack, did I scar the boy for life?   I was not going to treat it like a joke because as women, men can do things they consider a joke or harmless that are not something they should be doing to women or girls at all.
Yet it was something he said he wished his girlfriend had done.  So which is it?

So I called my men friends, to ask if their point of view, and what their reaction would have been when they were 16 year old boys.
I get that seeing the girl in the towel probably caused an instant effect on him.
Here I will use the word - effect.. instead of the actual word.  Asking the 50 year old men, I used the word, which makes them giggle at my questions.

I say, as a woman, I have no point of reference because this was not a problem as a teenage girl.  So how bad did I mess him up?  Do I have to go back to every boy I was ever around that I had an effect on to apologize?  The guys tell me no, they would have never expected any girl to apologize for any effects.

Weren't you all sort of hoping to get the girl in the towel if only for a moment at 16, but then really hoping at 20 or 21 that every girl answers the door in only a towel?
Yep.  Since this guy and the realtor were in boy scouts together he said that the realtor should have been a better scout and asked me if I needed any help in drying or if he could have helped me...  I said if he had offered I would have politely declined the offer.  But that was a pretty funny line.
They said the fact that he still remembers it all these years later meant it was probably not something awful for him and that he would have used the incident as fantasy material.  So I then wanted to learn how that worked for guys.  So even though nothing happened and he saw nothing, he just changes the ending?  Yep.
I have no problem with him thinking of me that way.

So I asked another boy that would have maybe been as shy... what would his reaction have been to seeing the girl in the towel?
That would have been great fantasy material to last for years in a time long before internet girls were everywhere.  So nothing bad?  Nope.

Both tell me to really know I need to ask him directly.
So I do....
He said he brought it up as - wasn't that just another weird moment between us???

Yes, considering I did not even remember it happened at all.

So now I am just waiting for him to drop the next big bomb of something else I did or said...

But when I felt he would not talk to me after this date, I had to think seeing me in the towel might have been the reason why too.
The poor boy had a day of unexpected girls in towels and looking at baby furniture, and reading my thoughts thinking I did not like him....
It would have had to seem like the worst date ever for a 16 year old boy.  If I was him, I would have thought this girl was a crazy lot of work to deal with on just one date and started to look for a more normal girl.  But on the other hand, I was the girl he never could forget...
But people don't forget floods and tornadoes either...

I said I sometimes did things just to make boys smile.  One of the boys I was fond of liked girls with large chests.  Well endowed girls.  So like Cinderella with her glass slipper I thought he just needed the slipper to know when he found the right girl.
So I went with a friend to the local department store and the ladies department.  We looked for the largest bra we could find.  A sales lady, an older woman, asked if she could help us. I explained honestly to her that it was sort of a joke to help the boy find the girl of his dreams.  We had a limit of cash to spend, we were not expecting anything lacy or fancy, just grandma big as we could find...  she seemed to understand and helped us get what I wanted.  It was white and could have substituted as a small hammock.
The boy was 110 soaking wet.  We gave him the bra and told him to venture forth till he found the girl that fit it...
He thought it was wonderful and it hung in his high school locker the rest of the year.
It was just silly and something to make him smile.